My Brain is a Bitch. Fortunately, She’s Interesting

**Content Warning: Mention of Suicide**

My brain has been trying to kill me since I was 14. That’s when I had my first bout with thoughts of suicide. The thoughts were intrusive, and I couldn’t shake them. I started seeing my first therapist soon after.

At one point, as an adult, I survived sixteen consecutive years of suicidal thoughts – and yet, I’m still here. My brain may be a bitch, but I’m pretty tough. No way am I going to give in to a disease that does nothing but lie to me and make me feel like shit. That’s no way to treat your host! lol

I’ve had a small handful of psychiatric diagnoses throughout my life: Major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, and a new one just last year. That’s right, just to keep me on my toes, I was diagnosed with ADHD about twelve months ago (2025).

Now, this is what I don’t understand: I’m a 57-year-old woman with six tattoos and a penchant for Haagen Dasz mango sorbet. If I’d had a normal work history, I’d be nearing a comfortable retirement.

How do I suddenly have ADHD? Apparently, the diagnosis can be new even when the ADHD isn’t. Who knew? And I must say, I don’t disagree. I do have most of the symptoms. I’m just surprised. I’ll have to have that discussion with my new psychiatrist, Dr. K. I’ve only seen her twice so far; we haven’t gotten to it yet.

For anyone out there who also has a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I know how scary and hopeless that can be. But let me give you some hope: I eventually reached a point where I no longer met the diagnostic criteria. My BPD diagnosis was removed in 2018.

The diagnosis came when I was in my 30s. I finally made a few big breakthroughs in therapy about 15 years later, with the help of DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), which helps treat BPD, and a new-fangled treatment for depression called TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). That diagnosis was dismissed in 2018.

My thoughts are not linear. And honestly, I don’t know if that’s an ADHD thing, if it’s normal, or if it’s just me. Please bear with me when I hop from topic to topic! LOL

There’s one thing I can say for sure: This brain keeps things interesting! It jumps from here to there and then somewhere else at the speed of light. It feels like free association sometimes, which is great for my creative work. That’s one thing I love about writing; I can write whatever the hell I want. And I get to decide how to tell the story.

For all the trouble this brain has caused me, it’s also taken me to some pretty interesting places. I’ve studied grant writing, proofreading, running a business, nonprofit consulting, music, photography, and marketing; I’ve created PDFs, four websites, and written one manifesto. I’ve been a wedding photographer. I’ve published a young adult book (I think it sold ten copies, all to relatives and friends, lol). I have a master’s degree in Sociology.

Maybe the point is that even though you may be suffering and not sure what comes next, life is going to go on. I’ve been able to do a few interesting things during my life, even though my emotional troubles started when I was fourteen.

You don’t have to lie down and take it.

Keep going. Keep challenging your beliefs. Keep asking your doctors questions. Keep asking yourself questions. Be an advocate for yourself; no one else can do it like you.

IN A NUTSHELL

Our brains can make life incredibly difficult, but they can also take us to some fascinating places. Diagnoses can change. Treatment can help. And there’s always more to discover about ourselves. Keep asking questions. Keep advocating for yourself. Keep participating.

Even when your brain is being a bitch 😉